Faithless.

“You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail…” -Hillsong United, Oceans.

I feel like in the last 5-6 years I have been asked many times to really question my faith. Not only do I believe in God, but do I BELIEVE God?

Do I believe the things he says? Do I believe the things he promises?

Do I believe that he is all I need? Do I believe that he will never fail me?

If I am being honest, which I am, my first reaction is usually no. Yikes. I can’t believe I admitted that in public.

When I am tried and tested, I don’t immediately think: God is bigger and he can handle this.

Instead I think, “Why, God? Why me! Quit picking on me!”

Last week I had a major why me, God is picking on me, my life is awful meltdown.

I don’t think I need to exaggerate at all- it was UGLY. I was UGLY. My sin was UGLY.

Ugly is the only way to describe it.

I kept saying to Nat- “This isn’t fair. I have had enough trials and challenges. When are things just going to be easy?” To summarize, I was saying “Wahhh, why me??”

I went to bed that night feeling shaken and bent out of shape. I woke up the next morning feeling really humiliated and ashamed. I woke up realizing that I went to bed on the wrong side and woke up with a slap in the face realizing my terrible behavior the night before.

I apologized to Nat for being ugly to him. Thank goodness God has given me a man with a great ability to forgive. He knows what I need.

And then, after I apologized to Nat, I realized there was a lot of stuff that I needed to square off with God about, and to be honest, I needed to let him square off with me about.

So far, He has just been good to remind me of where I have been and the fruit that has come from all of these trials. It hasn’t been easy, because in the reminders he has also allowed me to see my selfishness and my lack of faith. He is helping me to see that HE HAS NEVER LEFT ME. Even when I pout and moan and sin and cry and sin some more. He sits and he waits for me to get off my high horse and come back. Woah, Lord. Thanks.

a mess

Lately he has reminded me of his perfect plan and his perfect timing:

My yucky ugly high school break up that left me feeling like I would never ever meet my husband. . . Fast forward 3 years and Nat Scott walked into my life. I never expected to meet my husband on a camping trip, but I did. God is faithful.

My hellish, heartbreaking first year of college. I never thought I would make it through that year, and yet. . . I did. I made it through the first year with a few battle scars, but came out with a close relationship with my entire family (one that really didn’t exist before) and a few years later I actually graduated. God is faithful.

Getting rejected, twice, from UT’s education school. Ouch, ouch, ouch. This sort of pains me to write in a public forum, but sometimes growing is painful. He said “not yet” to me twice, and I kept fighting it and then I ran into Maryville College, which was everything I needed in a school and was filled with people who knew exactly what it would take for me to be a teacher. God is faithful.

8 job interviews. 7 rejections. There was so much heartbreak and frustration when it came to looking for a job. I was certain that God was trying to be mean in making me run the gauntlet of job hunts. And then, I get a call from West High School offering me a job and offering me the chance to work in the same school and the same department as my husband. Uh, thank you, Jesus! God is faithful.

He is faithful.

I am still learning, and will always be learning. I will never have my act together, but as long as I live I will be striving to be faithful, and striving to remember all that he has done for me.

And hopefully, when I don’t get my way, and I get frustrated about something, I will be reminded of this blog post and the day I said “enough.”

Hopefully soon, I will be singing the chorus of this song as my prayer

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior.”